Home Alone is a New Experience
Today is my birthday. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’ll be home alone for both events. Celebrating birthdays and Christmas home alone is a new experience. I’ve always celebrated with family, joy and happiness and laughter filling the room. Cooking and baking. Playing games. Being together and enjoying family. This year it’s quiet. And the rooms are empty. The joy and happiness and laughter? Not so much. Reflecting back on 2018 when my marriage and family fell apart, there is not much to celebrate. Or is there? Well, maybe celebrate is the wrong expression. Thankful would be more appropriate.
Being home alone for my birthday and Christmas is another station on my journey of separation, divorce, healing, and rediscovery. It’s a new experience. It will bring up memories – mostly happy ones – and will create a lot of conflicting emotions. It requires processing. I am thankful for my family. My sisters and their families live in Switzerland, and although they are not in the room with me here, they reached out with love and support, and for that I am thankful. My ex-wife reached out as well, and although there won’t be any hugs and kisses, and no collaboration in the kitchen to serve up a wonderful holiday meal, I am thankful for the 18 years we had together, both good and bad (we learn from the bad!). My son sent me a “happy birthday” text, and given we’re (temporary) estranged, it means a lot and I am thankful. I can’t wait until we reconnect. Father and son.
Most important, I am thankful for being happy and healthy, and able to travel on this journey because I discovered that I did not love myself, I didn’t even like myself, and unless one loves oneself, one cannot love others. That last statement is my opinion, and readers may agree or disagree. My healing and rediscovery is about peeling back the proverbial onion, and learning what’s working and what’s not working, and changing what’s not working. I am doing that, and making progress, and liking and loving more than I did a few weeks and months ago. It’s a work-in-progress, and I intend to continue this journey. When I do reconnect with my son, and others that I haven’t met yet, I will be able to give love that I wasn’t capable of giving in the past.
Running Through Emotional Pain
Home alone for the holidays. Lots of time to think and process. And running will help me heal and continue moving forward on my journey. I’m also making progress coming back from my stress-reaction and hernia surgery, and I will be spending my afternoons celebrating my birthday and Christmas Eve in Waveny Park, running a few miles and enjoying the healing powers of my home away from home. Happy Birthday! Merry Christmas!